Before I start, let me say one thing…NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE WATCH THIS MOVIE! This movie will always have a little place in my heart, due to the inventive way it was filmed. There was no director, no script, no producor, and no actors. Instead, there was a camera man who filmed some non-actors doing some stuff, making it up as they go. Also, Satan did editing for this movie, though there should be no surprise there. Right from the start, I knew there the lord of darkness would be involved in this movie at one point or another.

Normarly, I love b-movies. I’m just one of those geeks who sit around in their parent’s basement, watching crappy films and hacking into Microsoft just for the heck of it. (By the way, if Bill Gates is reading this, my name is Bonnie Hammer, and I work for USA Networks). However, this is NOT a b-movie. This is evil, incarnate. This movie could give Godzilla 2000 pointers on how to suck.

And if you’ve ever seen Godzilla 2000, you realize that is a next to imposible feet.

Alas, lamented Mst3k, you died too soon. This movie would have sent Manos, or Invasion of the Neptune Men (my personal favorite for s**tyness) shreiking back to whatever hell hole they crawled out of. I shall atempt to sumerive what is, without any doubt in my mind, the stupidest movie EVER. Zarkorr apears out of a mountain and smashes a small model or two. At least Godzilla made the models look realistic. Anyways, we immediately cut away to our hero.

Let me tell you something-I don’t remember anybody’s name. My brain aparently has a safe-guard to preserve my sanity while watching hell spawn motion pictures, which makes me thankfully remember little of this movie. Regardless, our hero is a postal worker, which is very different from a mail man. He eats waffles and toast. He watches the Cartoon Network (wait, that’s actually an okay thing to do). And he is aparently the most avarage man alive.

John is visited by a hologram six inches tall. She looks like a “teenage mall tramp” acording to our hero. She informs him an alien race has let Zarkorr loose to test humanity. Why? They’re a superior race which means they can do whatever they damn well please. By the way, this hologram can only be seen by our hero and heard by him. Throw in a quantum leap acelerator, some talent, and a storyline and boom you’ve got Quantum Leap. I stated this to demonstrate what a better idea it would be to watch Quantum Leap and not this movie. Did I mention never to view this movie yet?

She informs our hero that only he has the power to defeat ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! even when he states there are many people better suited for the job, like a nuclear engineer, or that drooling homeless transvestite on the corner of any given street in New York. But no, half the population is better suited for the job than our hero and half the population is less suited for the job (I personaly think that number is a little high). ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! is homing in on our Hero just in case he decides to worm his way out of his responisbility. Oh, and our hologram who dose not exist anywhere but inside our Hero’s mind (CAN’T YOU HEAR THE VOICES?!?!) can also lift up pencils and throw them to our hero. Our hero writes down a few notes-ONE, no weapon on Earth can defeat ZARKORR!: THE INVADER!. TWO- ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! contains the means for his own destruction. THREE-our hero, the “chosen one” is the only one who can stop ZARKORR!: THE INVADER!.

After watching tv for a while, our hero stumbles across an expert in hellish monsters, or something. So he decides to go and see her. Well, I’m not quite sure how it happened (memory gaps and all) but science lady winds up being held hostage by our hero. So he takes her hostage in the men’s room, the only logical decision I assure you. The police arive and try to talk the chosen one down. Turns out one of the two cops belives “The Truth is out There” or whatever and winds up helping our Hero. The other cop is tied up in the bathroom. Did I stress the point that you should NEVER view this movie, not even through seven feet of solid lead?

After a fun little drive through police man’s car, science gal decides to be a team player and help our sad pathetic band of world savers. So she takes them to a “cybernaut” which is very different from a hacker. A hacker is me (you didn’t hear that, forget what I just said!) while a “cybernaut” (I swear they pronounced it Cy-ber-naut in the movie) is a guy in a wheelchair with an anoying laugh and a speech pattern that would make Waspinator go “what the hell?”.

During our little stay at Cy-ber-naut world HQ, ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! makes the news. After the military tries dropping napalm on ZARKORR!: THE INVADER!, ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! continues going. Then, and I still don’t belive this scene ever could exist in this universe, a sweater-vest guy says that nobody should try to harm ZARKORR!: THE INVADER!. Why? Because ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! is one of a kind, and thus on the endangered species list?!?!?! THE PAIN! JUST KILL ME NOW AND BE DONE WITH IT! No, despite whatever reminant of my soul I risk continuing to tell the tale of ZARKORR!: THE INVADER!, I must go on!

By the way, dropping Napalm on an endangered species is a big no-no with the sweater vest. Oh the pain, the pain. Well after our merry band of heros-The Chosen One, Science Gal, Paraonid Cop, and the Cy-ber-naut-hang around and eat pizza for a while, they determine that ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! is a being of pure energy. So they need to find his off switch. Don’t ask me how they come to this conclusion, it dosen’t matter.

They arive at a small town, where an elderly woman behind a counter greets them (well, not really but one can hope). Because they’re in suits, these Utah-ites belive our three heros (Cy-ber-naut has to feed his fish and all) to be government agents sent by the government. Aparently a large flying-saucer like thing fell through the roof of their local diner. Could it be the mythical off switch? Who cares, really? Turns ou not even a diamond can scratch it. Oh, and ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! has changed course for Whocares, Utah. Duh-duh-duh.

Well our three men in cheap polyester decide to put the offswitch in their rental car’s trunck. Because they need a rope to tie down the trunck, paranoid cop demands the local marshal hand over his belt. Why? “Do the words national emergency mean anything to you?” After going through about every argument no sane man would use to get a belt, the scene ends. Trust me, the heroic speech is something you need to see to belive. Wait, that would involve seeing the movie Zarkorr!: The Invader. So on second thought, never even think about that speech. Ever. I beg you.

So they drive to whatever hell city ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! is blowing up now with his deadly eye negative scratches of death. They reach a roadblock and after postal paranoid police guy (I don’t remember his name either) tries to talk his way through, and fails as expected, Choosen One drives through alone. How will he defeat ZARKORR!: THE INVADER!? Well, I just couldn’t spoil the surprise ending for you.

Wait, yes I can. Quite easily in fact. Our hero heroicly ducks behind the off swtich. ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! fires his negative scratch, it bounces off the off switch, hits ZARKORR!: THE INVADER!, and kills ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! immediately. (Using pronouns when it comes to ZARKORR!: THE INVADER! is a big no-no.)

So now our hero is recovering in a hospital after he fainted like a dignified woman after ducking valiantly under the nearest source of protection. Sci-Gal and Cop Man great him as he wakes. A news laddy, who I think we met earlier during the hostage fiasco, tells hero there’s a group out there determined to elect him as president. Then the movie, thankfully ends.

So, will Sci-Gal and Hero hit it off? Will Police Officer Tied In Bathroom be angry at his partner the Postal Paranoid Police Cop? Who were the aliens and why the hell did they test us? What were our results? Will the marshal be able to keep his pants up now? Again, WHO CARES?

This movie hurt me in a way none of you can ever understand. I had to sit through this movie and I couldn’t bring up the MSTing power within me to act as my last line of defense. My entire soul was ripped out and chewed up by this movie. Love? Feh, I’ve seen Zarkorr, what’s the point? Happiness? Ha! There is no happiness in the world, Zarkorr taught me that. Ham Sandwhich? Bah-hum…wait, Ham Sandwhich? Why thank you. Pretty good sandwhich.

And now for the punchline of my review, as well as a moral for the ages. I ASKED FOR THIS MOVIE!!! Back in a simpler time (about a month ago, really) I read that Zarkorr was sorta like a b-movie. So I specifically listed Zarkorr!: The Invader! under my video wish list this Christmas. Well, I got it. And you know what? “A part of me is gone! A part of me is never coming back!” I can relate Crow. Zarkorr is the single most horible movie ever, worse than all the bruce willis movies, all the waterworld-esq movies, all the Pamala Anderson Lee movies (did I say “DAMN YOU BARB WIRE FOR RUINING MST3K: THE MOVIE!!!” yet?), all the movies featured in Mike Nelson’s Movie Megacheese (save the second Mega-Megacheese, that is) combined!

So, if you feel you’ve reached a sort of nirvana with life and want to be more like the lead singer of Nirvana (did I mention this movie striped away my reverence for the dead? now I envy them for never living to the day when mankind would produce Zarkorr!: The Invader!) then watch this movie.

Oh, and if you’re a b-movie fan, this is NOT a b-movie. This is the Hindenburg of movies (wait, wouldn’t that be the actuall movie Hindenburg? oh who cares? I’ve seen Zarkorr!: The Invader! no more purpose in my life) mixed in with a dash of every single sitcom ever except for Working and News Radio. Get the idea yet? It ain’t a good movie!